So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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