Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
