she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
