That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
