Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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