There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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