Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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