The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize