she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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