From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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