i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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