the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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