I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
