you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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