Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
