she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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