Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
