I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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