I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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