So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
