dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
