i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
