Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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