I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I supernannyed him into submission
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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