Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
