True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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