i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
