I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize