The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
