There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
