Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
