How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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