So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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