She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
