New invention idea: vibrating tampons
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
