Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
