I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
