a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
