Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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