i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
