Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
