Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
