i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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