remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
