Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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