Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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