I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
