haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
