and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
