the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
