Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
