life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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