My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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