I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my shit smells like andre
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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