Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize