two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you never un-have a 4some
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize