Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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