It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
