even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
