ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
