I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize