i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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