Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
